are we marrying just anyone here?
are we marrying just anyone here?
Post by PO on Sept 14, 2004, 7:17pm
Hello, um, maybe you should really know the person you are marrying.
It is hard to believe all these marriages start perfectly and end the way they are described in the essay or on the posts. Were there no hints that these people were cheaters/ lazy/ going to get super overweight or abusive or whatever? If someone is cheating on you there is no love and you do not know and respect each other. The relationship would suck and you should have gotten out of it before the slap in the face of cheating.
If a wife is not working or is overspending- or if this is the situation with the husband- you TALK about it. You use COMMUNICATION and TOGETHER you decide who will work, how much, what is important to each of you in terms of working, salary, lifestyle, etc. You talk about these things before you get married! Goals whether financial or about know how many kids you want or who will do what- these are things you discuss BEFORE marriage. If you do not even do this minimal, logical thing then of course it is doomed b/c there are probably a million other things you have not discussed!
If you need to do all these secret background checks and hide all your things you should not be getting married! Don’t get married for a financial agreement- that should be the last thing EITHER of you are thinking of if it is true love!
Additionally, despite what the essay may lead some to believe, marriage is a zillion times more than finances, assets, etc. Maybe the reason people are so psyched about the essay is because they think of marriage the wrong way, like this big trap for suckers.
HAPPILY MARRIED PEOPLE OF WHICH I KNOW MANY DO NOT THINK THIS WAY.
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Re: are we marrying just anyone here?
Post by COMMON SENSE on Sept 16, 2004, 4:50am
You can’t say “talk about it, communicate and it will be okay” when you were discussing this over, say, 10 years ago.
People change, and its a fact of life. I’ve had several long time friends change who they were/what they wanted and there is nothing you can do to safeguard that BESIDES a legal document, such as a prenup.
To say that its not true love if you’re thinking about financial documents is an opinion, and flys in the face of common sense.
You could say that if it WAS true love, you’d have no problem signing a document that keeps things fair and even no matter the outcome of your marriage.
Marriage IS a lot more than those things, but answer me this….do you buckle up every time you get in your car? The odds of getting in a car accident are slim, and its the furthest thing from most people’s minds when they drive, but if you have any common sense you would, so what is wrong with using the “seat belt of marriage”, the prenup?
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Re: are we marrying just anyone here?
Post by PO on Sept 17, 2004, 12:26pm
Dear Common Sense,
I am 100% for prenups because I do not have a glimmer of doubt that my marriage is the right thing, for my entire life.
I think anyone who refuses to sign a prenup should be questioned- if you are sure about who you are marrying why should it matter to sign?
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Re: are we marrying just anyone here?
Post by Marriedwell on Sept 19, 2004, 2:50pm
PO I agree with you.
I signed a prenup, would of been surprised if he didn’t have one cause of his financial situation. If we divorce, the prenup I feel is fair. We were older when we met & married, went through the crap everyone does in their 20’s & 30’s & were single.
Glad those years are behind us!!
Neither one of us has kids so if he dies first, I get everything & vice versa.
I think the person that wrote this should stay single & women should be thankful for that. There are plenty of nice guys out there who don’t look at marriage so negatively.
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Re: are we marrying just anyone here?
Post by The Author on Sept 19, 2004, 6:31pm
You seem reasonable, but it’s easy to be positive about marriage when you “marry well” and have nothing to lose.
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Re: are we marrying just anyone here?
Post by Marriedwell on Sept 20, 2004, 9:31am
Marrying well was a plan ~ not an accident! My definition of marrying well isn’t just financial. We were very compatible, neither had any “junk” in our background, both had the same values, goals, & morals.
Both had graduate/professional degrees.
The older I got the more focused I got into what I was looking for who I’d spend the rest of my life with. I made mistakes just like everyone else, but I didn’t marry them or reproduce with them. I never wanted kids so I wasn’t in a hurry like alot of women.
Nothing to lose! I had my own home (almost paid for) in the midwest, my own life, my own money, many good friends. I had my own small business for 6 years, was doing well. I gave up all of this. Moved to be with fiance’. His business is very successful, we are in the top 1% of income earners. He had alot to lose! We had a connection right from the start, people say we’re soul mates.
Someone on here mentioned finding a woman from the midwest. My hubby would agree. I didn’t have the “gotta find a rich guy” syndrome that I’ve noticed alot of coastal women have. I know people who’s whole life is about money, its disgusting. I also know women who are on the hunt for a rich guy, they are real obvious (to me anyway), I’m shocked at the # of guys that fall for it.
I think the person that put this website up is doing himself a favor. He obviously knows what he wants & hey, that’s half the battle. Love is a choice, someday maybe he’ll choose differently. But if he doesn’t, its his life.
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Re: are we marrying just anyone here?
Post by Knight40 on Sept 23, 2004, 1:51pm
The answer is simple, do not marry.
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Re: are we marrying just anyone here?
Post by CuriePoint on Nov 8, 2004, 11:00pm
Quote:Hello, um, maybe you should really know the person you are marrying.
It is hard to believe all these marriages start perfectly and end the way they are described in the essay or on the posts.
I don’t think it’s possible to absolutely know the person one is considering to marry. The whole idea of marriage (to my estimation, anyway) is to grow and learn together. Problems arise when either or both parties cannot hold this in regard throughout their marriage. I have observed many people who, over time, become more insular and detached, and the notion of being in a committed and loving partnership begins to fade away. I don’t advocate losing one’s own personal identity, but rather coming to know it well enough to employ it’s influence towards the marriage. Far too many people find justification for becoming isolationists and what begins as true caring and appreciation for one another degenerates into two people trying to escape one another. It’s hard to apportion blame on any single agent. To blame feminism is not entirely true. It isn’t a sense of wanting to be considered an equal in all things that drives people apart. Rather, it’s what feminism has become. Like most noble platitudes that start out with the most honorable of intentions, feminism has become a corrupt institution. It isn’t the average person who makes this happen; the average person can only permit it to happen.
Feminism has become the mouth-piece of radicalists like Andrea Dworkin and Susan Faludi. It’s all well and good to decry people of their ilk as being a minority faction. But, when people of this nature are the ones capturing the attention and the ears of those that do in fact make decisions and laws, then a certain amount of bitterness is bound to emerge from the more fair-minded. Double this sense of bitterness and betrayal when those of a more moderate mind within the feminist movement do and say nothing to even challenge the radical elements.
I have heard the statement that the most effective way for evil to succeed is for good people to do nothing. That is what has happened in the world today. We men cannot decry the hate speech put forth by the Dworkins and the Faludis. At best we are ignored. At worst we are denounced as misogynistic hate-mongers who want to see women returned to subservient roles. This is not the case, I assure you. But, when such things go unopposed on a global scale by otherwise good people, the finer angles of our being, the best of our traditions will be the first to suffer. Feminism as an ideal has not caused the decline of marriage. It’s the ennui and tacit acceptance of the hate spewed forth by the loudest factions of feminism; this is where the rot takes hold, and dooms all hope of reconciliation between the sexes.
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Re: are we marrying just anyone here?
Post by SoCalPolki101 on Nov 10, 2004, 1:07pm
Feminism is a concept, a movement, a social issue.
You can change your mind anytime you want to about this issue. You can withdraw from it or embrace it at will.
Once you pack yourself into a marriage there may be no way of backing out.
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Re: are we marrying just anyone here?
Post by theRock on Nov 11, 2004, 12:23am
With any decent lawyer, prenups can easily be invalidated. Google it if you do not believe me.
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Re: are we marrying just anyone here?
Post by SoCalPolki101 on Nov 11, 2004, 12:33am
They also do not cover children. And if the wife is from outside of the US she can always petition the judge for seven years of support so that she can learn English.
That’s not covered by a prenup.
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