Advice
Advice
Post by Carl on Yesterday at 11:02pm
I need some advice. I am married to a wonderful woman. We have known each other for 5 years and have been married for 2 years. We love each other very much, are very compatible, and genuinely enjoy spending time with each other. I can honestly say that I have never met a woman who I feel more compatible with on a personality level.
However, we are very incompatible in one area- sex. She just doesn’t really need/enjoy/want sex. We do have sex, but I always initiate, and when we do it, it is always very straight-forward just plain sex. We have, of course, discussed this issue many times, but to no avail. She says that this is just how she has always been, even with her past boyfriends and I believe her. Please don’t tell me to try new “techniques” or “romance” her. That is truly not the problem. She can’t make herself want something that she just doesn’t want. She is a wonderful wife, but she is just not a very sexual person, and never will be.
I am not some kind of weird perverted sex addict who needs kinky sex 5x a day. I am just a normal guy who has normal sexual desires like the average 35 year old. Yet, even that is too much for my wife. As a result, over the years, I have progressively pushed down/crushed/killed my sexual desires and fantasies in order to reach a “compromise” with my wife. In her defense, she has also tried to “compromise” by allowing me to have sex with her more often than she would ever want. But the fact is, despite our mutual efforts, I really feel like something inside me has been slowly dying away. I get very little satisfaction from having sex with her, and now I only do it just to cum and release my frustrations.
Here’s my question- is having a bad sex life reasonable grounds for a divorce? As I said, it is almost unbelievable how compatible we are in every other way except sex. I am sure that we love each other, understand each other, enjoy spending time with each other much more than the average couple out there.
I know sex is not everything b/c I have been in relationships in the past where the only thing we had was sex, and there was no happiness there. But with my wife, the happiness is always there, EXCEPT when it comes to sex.
Given this information, is it crazy to be thinking about divorce? Should I just appreciate the fact that I found this wonderful woman who loves and understands me better than anyone in the world and just live with the bad sex life? Or will my sexual frustrations just get worse as I get older to the point that I will resent my wife and hate that our sex life is so bad? I believe sex is an important part of a relationship, but I also believe that it is not the only thing in a relationship, and that it is not even the most important thing.
Any constructive advice is very much appreciated. Thank you.
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Re: Advice
Post by dickthedog on Yesterday at 11:17pm
My opinion is mediocre sex is not grounds for divorce. I’ve always believed that the marriage vows should be taken literally. This falls under “for better or worse”.
If your wife were to succumb to an illness or have an accident that made sex impossible, would you dump her? As you grow older, sex will become less important. I would advise you to stick with it. If you divorce, you’ll most likely get taken to the cleaners anyway.
To the rest of the men on this board that are single:
Stay that way.
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Re: Advice
Post by meateater on Yesterday at 11:18pm
Where do you live and do you have any kids? Ask your lawyer and ask about the divorce law in your state. If I were you, I would rather file a divorce ASAP. I know it sounds harsh but it is probably better for both of you. Your wife can find another man who is sexually compatible with her.
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Re: Advice
Post by grandcurmudgeon on Yesterday at 11:20pm
We love each other very much, are very compatible, and genuinely enjoy spending time with each other. I can honestly say that I have never met a woman who I feel more compatible with on a personality level.
She is a wonderful wife,
Here’s my question- is having a bad sex life reasonable grounds for a divorce? As I said, it is almost unbelievable how compatible we are in every other way except sex. I am sure that we love each other, understand each other, enjoy spending time with each other much more than the average couple out there.
But with my wife, the happiness is always there, EXCEPT when it comes to sex.
Given this information, is it crazy to be thinking about divorce?
yes
Should I just appreciate the fact that I found this wonderful woman who loves and understands me better than anyone in the world and just live with the bad sex life?
yes
Or will my sexual frustrations just get worse as I get older to the point that I will resent my wife and hate that our sex life is so bad?
Doubtful. In fact, your sex drive will soon start dropping to the point where you and your wife may end up being far more sexually compatible than you can believe now.
I also believe that sex is not the only thing in a relationship, and that it is not even the most important thing.
Then you have already answered your own question. What the hell are you posting this here for, then?
Either you are a troll with a novel new approach, a complete idiot, or are just looking for someone to bitch slap some sense into you.
If it is the 3rd, I will volunteer for the dirty and thankless job.
GROW THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!
You say a dozen times how great your marriage and your wife are, and yet you say you might be thinking about throwing all that away because you aren’t getting enough nookie. Well, you are going to find damn few women willing to give you any more, and a whole lot of women who wouldn’t give you any of the rest that your wife gives you.
Marriage is about compromise. Your wife seems to be compromising in giving it to you more often than she wants to, which makes her a hell of a lot better than most of the women I’ve met, and a hell of a lot better than any you are likely to meet. Now, if you aren’t adult enough to compromise a bit on your side, then go chasing your bullshit fantasy and introduce me to your ex-wife.
If you throw this away, you are a complete fool and deserve all the misery you bring on yourself.
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Re: Advice
Post by King Karan on Yesterday at 11:50pm
I’d say that it is best to stay married. However, don’t ignore your needs. You may want to consider the European approach and find yourself a temporary lover – and I don’t mean prostitutes or sex on the go with whomever. Some societies have rulled out this option completely, others adopted it in cases like yours so it is not a taboo, there is tradition to it. Countries like Italy or France for example, or in Eastern Europe etc. have been more relaxed about some men having lovers (at least they used to be) so they do not think in black-and-white terms when there is disbalance in the marriage re sex.
If you do get a lover, there are “rules” to follow. The first and most important one is that your wife comes first in all matters. Your lover is there for one and one purpose only. You should treat her with respect, but giving occasional gifts aside, she gets little to no time and attention from you. This is in order to avoid emotional attachments and development of feelings from each other. In addition, the sex should not be very frequent. Thirdly, have sex with a lover with utmost discretion – preferably a quiet and secluded place.
It is best to talk openly to your wife about this, but knowing the state of relations among the sexes today, as well as the rather puritan tradition in the U.S., it is likely not possible to do, or have her approval if you do.
Best of luck.
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Re: Advice
Post by grandcurmudgeon on Today at 12:06am
“However, don’t ignore your needs.”
Sorry, KK, I have to strongly disagree. Cheating is cheating. Whether or not the wife ever finds out, the man in the mirror knows.
Nothing will cut a man’s feet out from under him faster and more thoroughly than guilt and shame. A man who is lying and betraying lives in a constant state of fear of being found out, and if he is and has any integrity, he will judge himself more harshly than almost anyone else.
I know I’m old fashioned, but I grew up in a day when a man’s word was his bond. Carl made a promise when he got married. Keeping that promise, and keeping faith with the person he made it to, is worth far more to his soul than a quick bit of strange pussy.
Nothing gives a man more personal power than a clear conscience and an absolute knowledge of personal integrity. No pussy in the world is worth throwing that away for, and once it is thrown away, you never get it back.
There are many things in life far more important than sex. The older you get, the more you understand that.
Think with you big head and not with your little one, Carl. Don’t throw away something you describe as so great for some cheap thrills.
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Re: Advice
Post by meateater on Today at 12:16am
Yesterday at 11:50pm, King Karan wrote:bI’d say that it is best to stay married. However, don’t ignore your needs.
I dont think it is a good idea to have an extramarital affair. It can worsen the current marriage situation. It means he is destroying his integrity by lying to his wife.
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Re: Advice
Post by Truthslayer on Today at 12:26am
Carl, if you want to cheat on your wife simply because you have needs YOU feel aren’t being met, then you might as well be a woman, because it seems you want sex now and you’ll justify the reason later. That’s what women do when they cheat.
I could see if you were in a sexless marriage, but you’re not. Your wife is willing to work with you and even put forth more effort to satisfy you. You seem to not realize that most women today would put THEIR needs above yours. You DO have a good one, and yet you want to screw it up on a matter that has a better solution.
1) Start exercising…HARD. Push your body to the limit whenever the need rises. Work out, go for a run, anything to get the chemicals flowing. This will not only help you stay healthy, it’s a way to release the pent up energy you seem to have.
2) Stimulus…is there anything that seems to kickstart your drive…a show, an activity, a certain outfit of your wife, that pushes your buttons? Then either put it away or get rid of it and make it a pain in the butt to access it. You have to totally remove it in order to be free of it.
Your wife doesn’t control your drive…YOU do. You can go the cheap way, get a substitute, but when that wears then, then what? You can tackle this like you would any problem…what’s in it for me? Weigh the pros and cons and you’ll see that the easy way always has mines you don’t see till you step on them. Remember, sex is at the most an hour or two of your time and it’s a physical expression of LOVE between two people. If you think she’s just a sextoy, then there is no love, there is only release, and love isn’t based on release.
You have a rare one. Don’t screw up and become a divorce statistic.
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Re: Advice
Post by dudelove on Today at 12:27am
Homerun, grandcurmudgeon.
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Re: Advice
Post by Arc on Today at 2:22am
If your sacred marriage vow is to mean anything at all, then you should stick beside her. If it has become such an insurmountable problem then you should perhaps see a specialist; either that or reign in your libido, and count yourself lucky.
I really gotta say if you recommend philandering or going for divorce then I imagine you wouldn’t mind the same happening to you were the situation reversed. “My husband became ill and hasn’t been able to satisfy me in the bedroom lately, so I’ve decided to take on a lover. Actually, multiple lovers who bukkake me all night while he’s in his room convalescing. But I’m leaning towards divorce.”
Yeah, and you know, it’s a true story.
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Re: Advice
Post by sirchancealot on Today at 2:59am
You know, I love how these sanctimonious “moral” people on here want to rag your ass about cheating. Know what the bible says about this situation? If the wife ain’t putting out, and he cheats, come the day of judgment, SHE will be held accountable for it. (paraphrased, and I don’t have time to look it up, being as it is 2:45 am).
Those guys who say “your word is your bond, etc., etc.” are truly a bunch of pussies. Desiring sex with a woman whom you are MARRIED TO is the most natural thing in the world. Don’t let these guys try to shame you into thinking that you are some kind of freak for wanting that. Indeed, it is your birth-right by virtue of the fact that you are a man.
Let me be clear on this. YOUR NEEDS AREN’T BEING MET. Moreover, those needs aren’t “weird” or “freaky”, they are NORMAL. Your wife is not only selfish, she is stupid too. What’s the old saying? A well fed dog rarely strays.
Yes, you need to get out of this marriage. Here’s something you need to know, Carl. Wanting sex from a woman you are married to is not bad. In fact, the more you love her, the more you are going to want sex from her. To most of those other guys, sex is not a big deal to them. Sex *IS* a big deal to you. And what YOU want out of a marriage is more important that any of the advice that we can give you. In your marriage vows, there is the implied consent that she will provide for you sexually, just as much as it is implied that you will provide for her financially. She has broken that. Additionally, since you have INFORMED her about it, she has done it willingly.
She is selfish. Do you ever go to work when you don’t feel like it? Do you do things for her that you don’t feel like doing? Do chores around the house that you don’t feel like doing? Congratulations, that is called life. There is absolutely no reason for her not to have more sex with you, and for her to initiate it sometimes.
You are still early in your marriage, and you are in the “honey-moon” stage. Imagine 5 years from now. 5 years in what is basically a sex-less marriage. Does that sound attractive to you?
Here is what you can do. First, I would sit down with her and say “For the next week, I am going to show you EXACTLY what it feels like when you refuse me sexually, and refuse to initiate sex. I’m not punishing you, I’m just SHOWING you how I FEEL” (Notice the key words there, Gents?) Then, for the next week, you DO NOT tell her you love her, DO NOT call her on the phone, DO NOT hold her hand, DO NOT do all of the little things that she has come to take for granted from you. You do NOTHING for her. Of course she will bitch, moan, throw a hissy-fit, and claim that she “feels unloved”. She may even try to sleep with you. If so, REJECT HER until the week is up. (Rejecting her sexually is one of the harshest things you can do to a woman). At the end of the week, give her Dr. Laura’s book “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands”. Tell her to explicitly read the parts in it on sex. Then you need to say “Honey, since you are REFUSING to meet my needs sexually, do you mind if I find a lover on the side? I do not want your answer now, and will give you one month to decide” (It is IMPERATIVE that you use the work “refusing”)
After you have given her the book, and said that, go back to normal. If things haven’t improved either VASTLY or STEADILY in one month, it is time to divorce her and move on.
There’s something else that needs to be said. A mentally healthy woman LIKES to be used as a sex-toy once in a while. They LIKE (again, not all the time, but once in a while) to be thrown down, have their clothes ripped off, and have you bang the hell out of them, slap them on the ass, and then say “get me a beer”. This states in unequivocal terms for her that you absolutely desire her, and says to her that you desire her so greatly that you cannot “control yourself”. Any man who thinks otherwise is naive, and still has women on a pedestal. If your wife isn’t like this, SHE HAS A MENTAL PROBLEM. It just hasn’t manifested itself yet. If she pulls the old “if you loved me, you’d….”, you need to respond “And if you really loved me like you want me to love you, you would have sex with me more often, and initiate it more”. Don’t be whining and begging. Let her know that this is serious. You have a RIGHT to expect to be sexually fulfilled by your wife, it’s just that all your life society has told you that this instinct is wrong. Let me remind you that society has also told you that all men are evil. If they aren’t right in the latter, why would you expect them to be right in the former?
Again, I must repeat. Why should YOU have to suppress NORMAL, HEALTHY urges? If sex was “not important”, why are you commanded by God to only have sex with your wife? It most certainly IS important to a healthy marriage. When you are younger, it *IS* more important than when you get older. An old man can’t help but know how a young man thinks, but a young man can’t know how an older man thinks.
Oh, and by the way. Make sure you read that book before you give it to her. After you do, you won’t think your demands are so “out there”, like you are doing now.
What worries me most is that, if everything you say is correct, she KNOWS she isn’t meeting your needs, and she DOESN’T CARE. That’s the part that really hurts, and will be the hardest for you to accept. Once you accept the fact that she really doesn’t care, you will be freed. Oh, but you WILL find out how much she cares about your money when you divorce her.
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Re: Advice
Post by Arc on Today at 3:11am
What God has put together let no self consumed fucking idiot cut asunder.
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Re: Advice
Post by Costa on Today at 3:19am
Carl, lots of women are your case. It is a fact of life. Sounds like she comes from a well-off white middle-class suburbian family with lots of parental protection and stigmas attached to anything sexual.
Don’t destroy all the good things you’ve got by filing for divorce. They may be gone forever.. Or go on a “business trip” to Eastern Europe and get your brains f***ed out over there for a couple of weeks. If that helps.
Also, wait until you are after 40 when hormones are playing havoc in our body. You may find yourself tired of bonking while she may rekindle her interest…
Anyway, no-one is perfect. In fact, nothing in this life is. Get your expectations real. Be happy.
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Re: Advice
Post by Arc on Today at 3:23am
“Those guys who say “your word is your bond, etc., etc.” are truly a bunch of pussies.”
Oh, well that’s where I saw red. The rest of it wasn’t all that bad of advice, really.
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Re: Advice
Post by Arc on Today at 3:40am
I think we can just sum it up, get rid of all the pussy mangina advice, and say “throw her around, threaten her if she doesn’t give you sex, cheat on her, and then divorce her.” Good job shits for brains.
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Re: Advice
Post by thor on Today at 4:32am
In my opinion, if she’s not meeting his needs sexually, she is not meeting her obligations and he is entitled to leave or cheat. She is being selfish, even if she’s compromising, she’s not compromising enough. She should blow him as much as he needs to make up for the difference in sex drives. I tell my women that right up front and demand it and its never been a problem. They want their selfish needs met, then I need to get mine met.
I couldn’t stay married to a woman who failed me that way. It corrodes the attachment and my love for her. He says as much. It slowly poisons the well. There are women that will screw you daily in a long term relationship and accepting celibacy in marriage is no way to push the slow pokes along and get them with the program. I have had both and I assure you I will never tolerate enforced celibacy again. I see it as passive aggression and nothing else. How long would she stay if you decided to quit working or slow down working because you decided that was how you wanted to be and was best for you? Its the same thing. If you’re like me, your sex drive won’t slow down much at all. I can still screw 3x a day and get it up again in a few minutes because I’ve stayed in practice. I’m convinced those who claim their sex drives drop off dramatically are the ones who have had to adjust to enforced celibacy. I felt like my ex was slowly robbing me of my youth and vitality and trying to make me into her slave by cutting me off. It became a question of my sense of self or my loyalty to another, more selfish person. I chose my own happiness.
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Re: Advice
Post by thor on Today at 4:44am
Sir Chancealot:
Amen. You hit the home run here. Screw all this celibacy shit. You guys are just adjusting to slavery and becoming institutionalized. You are becoming what AW want you to be. the great woman thing is an illusion that hasn’t been shattered yet, but the no sex is exactly a mental hang up and form of selfishness. Vows are sacred only if both people keep them. She has already broken hers. To quote my favorite film “The Wild Bunch”: It ain’t just your word you give, its who you give it to! Don’t give your word to a railroad!
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Re: Advice
Post by Arc on Today at 5:29am
Well, all I can say is that you deserve exactly the same treatment that you espouse, thundergod. The second you start slipping, your wife has the right to cheat, lie, and filet your fucking soul. A few hundred years ago with that attitude you’d be a shit husband whose father and the community at large would be beating the living shit out of. All of that has passed away due to feminism. The question remains: why are you here protesting something you don’t believe in anyway, ie. marriage? Eternal commitment before God. What the fuck are you protesting about if you’re in favor of violating your holy oaths sworn in God’s church, whenever it suits you?
I’m starting to think it’s twits like you who kicked of the feminist movement’s hatred in the first place. Try not to be so full of shit sometime in your life.
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Re: Advice
Post by Niall IB on Today at 6:22am
People are polarising on this for no good reason.
Carl, if you have a wonderful marriage as you say then that it is worth its weight in gold and you should not jeopardize that for sex. As said your sex drive will decrease over time until its not an issue.
HOWEVER if the lack of sex will definitely break up your marriage then see hookers or have an affair as long as you make damn sure your wife never finds out and frankly thats pretty easy to do. Maybe a ‘business trip’ to Bangkok and shag your brains out for a week.
And yes I am saying cheat to save your marriage, if this is the ONLY option take it.
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Re: Advice
Post by Mikhail on Today at 6:26am
Okay,
Being realistic for a moment, it is flat out impossible to find a mate that will fill all of your needs; nobody, and I mean nobody, can be everything that another person needs in a relationship. The fact that most people have somehow come to expect this from a marriage is more of a result of our cultural addiction to Hollywood delusions than anything else.
On the other hand, what you are expecting from your wife is really not all that much; seriously, is it too much to expect her to spend ten minutes a day giving you a blow-job or two?
If the issue is really that important to you, I’m sure that (by now) your wife is well aware of this fact; assuming that she has at least an inkling that she might lose you over this matter, the fact that she doesn’t just reserve ten minutes a day to satisfy your needs speaks volumes about where her priorities really lie in this relationship.
Seriously, ask yourself if YOU would be willing to spend a few minutes a day doing a task for HER that, while you might not exactly enjoy it, would keep your marriage healthy and intact.
Would you?
If so, why is she not willing to return the sentiment?
Hard questions, I know, but someone had to ask about the obvious elephant in the room.
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Re: Advice
Post by Arc on Today at 6:45am
Cheat to save your marriage. That’s feminist propaganda. But I give up. I didn’t know there were so many low life bottom feeding cunts around here.
I say you suplex her into the coffee table, awww yeaaah.
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Re: Advice
Post by Niall IB on Today at 6:50am
No Arc there are intelligent men here trying to offer a workable solution. You will notice that I am very specific in my advice and state that if this is the only way to save your marriage give it a try. In this specific circumstance if he doesn’t the marriage will end anyway.
You on the other hand are an adolescent with Tourettes syndrome.
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Re: Advice
Post by Arc on Today at 7:04am
Nial: Well, as you didn’t notice your post slipped in while I was posting mine. Some of the best men I’ve known had tourettes. Your post was good. It’s golden fucking rule time for most who’ve posted their advice, and you can get fucked if you have a problem with it.
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Re: Advice
Post by Christopher The Harley Man on Today at 7:08am
I can’t condone cheating, but she would be put on notice that the situation is not acceptable. The whole “what God hath put asunder” worked when marriages worked, but not today, unfortunately. Besides, we don’t all accept the Bible as the word of God.
She is the one who is failing in her obligations, and some very critical one’s. I have little sympathy for her. If she won’t change, and I mean seriously change, then you are headed for some unpleasant times ahead. I would consider divorce, but would not tell her. Go to Dad’s Divorce. com, and study the forums there. They have attorneys on regularly, and they will tell you to never show your hand. If you think it may come to divorce, strike first, hard and SILENTLY! Don’t tip your hand. Don’t threaten divorce. Just hire a good, man-friendly attorney, and strike FIRST.
Unfortunately. millions of men allow Christianity to cloud their judgment when it comes to dealing with selfish wives, and get their balls handed to them when the break-up comes.
Don’t be one of them.
If Jesus doesn’t approve of a divorce from a frigid wife, then let him haul his sorry can into your marriage and see how it feels. Women were dealt with much differently in those days, and the Jewish men of that region didn’t have to face the problems American men face in marriage, so I hardly think 2000 year old advice from a celibate with delusions of Godhood is something you want to use in determining if your marriage should be saved.
Always, when it comes to a woman- any woman- fight dirty and have no mercy.
She will show you none.
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Re: Advice
Post by grandcurmudgeon on Today at 8:24am
“Cheat to save your marriage. That’s feminist propaganda. But I give up. “
Kind of reminds me of that famous line that “We had to destroy the village in order to save it.”
Yeah, “My needs come first and they are all that matter” sounds pretty feminist to me. “Never mind what I said I would do, I feel differently now, so that makes it OK for me to lie, cheat, or do whatever I want no matter what effect it has on you or anyone else.”
Remind me to never get into any kind of business deal with the type of guy who thinks that keeping his word makes him a “pussy.”
If sex is more important than anything else in the world to you guys, then by all means go right ahead and throw all the rest of it away just to get to pop your nuts. If Carl does go ahead and become a liar and cheater and his wife finds out, then he will have just destroyed everything else about this marriage which he describes in such glowing terms.
Yeah, right, go get a hooker and boldly go where hundreds, maybe thousands, of men have gone before. Lie to and cheat on the one person who really seems to understand you, care about you, and be compatible with – for 15 seconds of jollies.
Sounds like a GREAT trade-off to me – NOT!!!
I notice that “Carl” hasn’t posted again since the OP. I smelled a troll then because it looked like a trick to sucker the low-lifes out of the woodwork. I think it worked.
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Re: Advice
Post by guest on Today at 8:37am
Carl – this board is very “reality” based. I no of no normal mid-30s women who don’t love sex. She is in her peak. She likes sex the same way a 19 y/o male does. She probably doesn’t like sex with you. Send in Paco the badboy and she would likely ride him like a steer.
This doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you in a different way…a friend or companion way. I’m sure she loves what you can do for her.
Sadly, I think this issue will grow. You are only a the 2 year mark. Don’t be surprised after year 7 that you get the “I need to feel happy” speech and she leaves you.
Keep her as a friend, but I would focus on your needs.
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Re: Advice
Post by upklhd on Today at 9:37am
Wow, what can I say. I agree with parts of almost all replies to Carl’s inquiry.
Carl does have a right to have his needs met, and wanting your wife sexually is a completely natural, healthy, and wonderful behavior. No man nor woman should ever be forced to accept sexual shame from another person. Having a healthy sex drive is NORMAL. The difference is compromise. Carl is having sex, just not the kind of sex he wants; it’s very frustrating and again very normal. I can’t think of any couple who hasn’t gone through this issue at some point in their relationship. If people can change and grow throughout a relationship, isn’t it a little unrealistic to expect our sex lives to remain the same too? That can either be a good or a bad thing.
Mikail is right, you’re never going to find someone who meets all of your physical or emotional needs and desires 100% of the time. On one hand, you knew about her sexual tendencies before you were married, so it is unrealistic to expect her to be something different now. On the other hand, you are slowly losing that wonderful, intimate connection with your wife. You are being rejected, and that hurts deeply. Sexual rejection for a man is comparable to emotional rejection for a woman; it’s scaring and destructive to any relationship.
Now that I’m out of hands, what to do? Do I believe you should bail out of an otherwise wonderful marriage to a good woman, legally or physically? No. Do I believe you have a right to having a fulfilling intimate relationship with your wife? Yes.
You’re going to have to face this directly, both honorably to yourself, to your wife, and your marriage. You are the one who has to wake up with yourself every morning, so any behavior that goes against your own personal honor and happiness will eat up your conscience. If you leave or step out on a good marriage, without knowing 100% you did everything you could possibly do to address this issue, with your honor, you will never forgive yourself and will constantly second guess your actions and the past. You are going to have to take responsibility for your happiness, and for someone who might not be comfortable with letting his needs be known AND met, this is going to be very strange.
Take a look at some other men who are in the same boat as you. Buy the book, “No More Mr. Nice Guy” and “Way of the Superior Man.” Read them, do the exercises, tell yourself you deserve to have the intimate relationship you want with your wife:
http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/forums/showthread.php?t=7711
http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/forums/showthread.php?t=7462
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Re: Advice
Post by grandcurmudgeon on Today at 10:09am
“wanting your wife sexually is a completely natural, healthy, and wonderful behavior. “
Not in the law, and not in the consciousness of a great many women. A member of my family is married to the most whiny, negative, useless slugs I have ever met in my life. I absolutely cannot stand her. They have been married almost 25 years, and before the ink was barely dry on the marriage license she would call me up and expect me to listen to her bitch about how much he wanted her, and support and empathize with her over what a victim she was from it and just how outrageous it was.
I had to come down on her with hobnail boots several times making the points that
1) that was part of the deal of being husband and wife. She seemed to have no problem accepting his part of the deal to work his ass off to support her so she could be a stay at home mom, she also had responsibilities in the bargain.
2) He was a member of my family not hers, and there was no way I was going to take her side against him – blood being thicker than water and all that, and
3) being a male myself, I had a whole lot more sympathy for his side than for hers.
Now, the difference between this woman and Carl’s wife, is that she gives absolutely nothing else to the marriage either. I have never heard her say one nice thing about her husband, but have had to listen to literally hundreds of hours of her whining, bitching, and complaining that he doesn’t do enough to “help” her, so that she has more time to spend on the phone complaining about him.
So, even though Carl’s glass may be only half full, I know at least one man whose glass is entirely empty and who would trade places with Carl in a heartbeat just to have someone pleasant to spend time with instead of being immersed in the slow, soul-destroying, acid drip that he is married to.
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Re: Advice
Post by upklhd on Today at 10:22am
Grand,
Sorry to hear about your family member. I guess my reference was for “normal” circumstances in a marriage where each person respects the other and desires their companionship. Then again, what is normal…
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Re: Advice
Post by grandcurmudgeon on Today at 10:42am
“Then again, what is normal…”
Khank’s sister is “normal” for today’s women. That Shapiro monster destroying her own son so that “gurls” can feel “speshul” is “normal” for today’s women. The trolls we see here day in and day out are “normal” for today’s women. I am using “normal” here in the statistical sense – ie. average, standard, usual. I meet very few women of any other kind.
I know it is probably hard for women like you to hear that, and I will grant that you are an exception, but that, by definition, means that women like you and RBK are abnormal when it comes to the AW that most AM experience.
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Re: Advice
Post by marlon on Today at 10:59am
She is being selfish. I am 100% against cheating so I won’t advocate that. But she is being selfish. She refuses to surrender to you, and fully let go and trust you, and that is what is being shown in the act. Surrendering to you and to HER desire (and she does have some) is the problem.
What to do? Check if there are other problems in the marriage. Have a good sit down and really talk to see if there are other difficulties. Self-image, boredom, whatever…Settle those and let her know involved sex is a part of the marriage, and she is being selfish. Set times for it too…Honey, we’re going to have sex Wednesday coming. Get yourself mentally ready for that.
Don’t feel guilty about wanting to have good regular sex with your wife. Because your marriage is good doesn’t mean you should settle and not try to make it better.
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Re: Advice
Post by King Karan on Today at 1:41pm
There are 4 possibilities for Carl:
1. He stays with his wife and continues to be unhappy because likely her sexual desire will continue to decline.
2. He divorces his wife
3. He saves the marriage by engaging a lover.
4. His wife changes and engages in more sex with him.
Several societies have recognized that there may be a disbalance between spouses and tolerate this option. Some men have no problem to themselves in the mirror. I understand that some of you don’t understand and are judgmental. But, I have known several that have exercised it and are all right with it.
Thus, I personally would save the marriage! Marriage is much more than sex, that much is correct. But is the wife becoming spoiled and lazy? Is this a sign that things are not well between them if she refuses sex? For two people in love have healthy sex drives and are into each other. If she is not…
P.S. I myself I do not need sex that much (like most men) and would like to be celibate! But this is my decision, and not all want nor can aspire to celibacy – and that is OK.
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Re: Advice
Post by Carl on Today at 1:46pm
Wow! I wasn’t expected so many replies. Lots to digest here. I cannot thank you guys (and gals) enough for your advice and insight. What a great group! I need to think quite a few things over.
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