Dating Red Flags
Dating Red Flags
Note: This list of Red Flags. Red Flags do not necessarily mean “dump the person”. Rather, it may be a “heads up” that a potential issue or incompatibility may be lurking, and that it may be prudent to explore/communicate these potential issues with your prospective partner.
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Red Flag
Has no hobbies or personal interests
Could mean the person is unmotivated. May not know how to generate inner fulfillment, which could overlap into the “Complainer/Melodramatic” profile (see below) Seeks external sources of fulfillment (which will become very expensive for you)
This could also indicate a lazy person (see below)
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Red Flag
Lazy
Laziness will impede the person’s ability to handle their fair share of marital responsibilities. This, in turn, will become YOUR responsibility to bear.
The pitfalls of being with a lazy partner may not fully manifest until you have a child. At that point, the person’s inability to perform parental/household duties will become your burden to compensate for.
I believe the consequences of the laziness factor will exponentially magnify once there are children involved in the relationship.
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Red Flag
Hates career
Increases the likelihood that this person will try to quit working once married, and try to sponge off you. Also increases the likelihood that this person may trap you into having children with them (They may view kids as their ‘ticket out’)
This also could indicate someone who in generally unhappy in life, no matter the circumstance. (See Complainer/Melodramatic profile below) Remember, happiness is an attitude and state of mind, not a function of actual life circumstances.
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Red Flag
Complainer / Melodramatic (Perpetually unhappy) Makes a “mountain out of a molehill” Drama King/Queen
Could mean this person thrives on negativity and always need to have a crisis on hand.
(And life can always supply one, if you’re looking for it)
Some people will insist on being miserable, regardless of their actual circumstances in life. No matter what you do, or how good they have it, this type of person will find the downside and be unhappy.
Being around a person who has this way of living could become very tiresome and draining to you. This can also become a VERY expensive situation for you, always trying to “buy fleeting happiness” (Fancy cars, houses, jewelry, vacations, etc)
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Red Flag
Has no close friends (or no long term friends)
Could mean this person does not value stability.
“Revolving-door” friendships say a lot about a person. Could indicate a self-serving person. Friendships are only maintained when convenient or useful to them.
Also could mean this person has a “slash and burn” approach to personal relationships. And that means, you could be next.
Also, if your partner has no friends, you will have to be their entire social outlet. (Their “everything”, their “soul mate”) This makes for a very big hole that YOU must fill. This will also be an impediment to maintaining your own individuality in the relationship (Maintaining your own life and identity)
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Red Flag
Poor finances. (Broke, in debt, or has no savings)
Could indicate general irresponsibility.
Could indicate selfishness and sense of entitlement.
Could indicate “immediate gratification” type of personality.
Could indicate lack of any long-term vision, goals, or direction.
If they expect their parents or spouse to bail them out, they may also raise their children with this value (or lack thereof)
Person does not feel the need to plan their future, and this may become YOUR burden to compensate for.
This person may be looking to be “bailed out”, and this does not bode well for an equal partnership of marriage. This may also fuel resentment from the responsible party in the relationship, as they are compensating for the other person’s lack of discipline or planning.
This person is also capable of destroying your own financial well-being. Once that is done, they move onto the next “free ride”
Once you are married, a partner’s poor credit rating will become yours. This may impact your ability to secure a mortgage on your dream home.
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Red Flag
Can’t think for themselves
i.e.: The person’s decisions are still made by their parents, friends, or media expectations.
Someone who is not an independent thinker may have trouble defining parameters of your own partnership. They may also fall into the trap of always measuring your relationship or circumstances against that of others. (Selectively keeping up with the Jones’?)
This person may not yet have discovered what their OWN goals, values, and priorities are.
(If this is the case, this person should not be considering marriage)
Those who are not independent thinkers may constantly have some one criticizing you, and can be instigated very easily. Mother-in-law problems are more rampant with these personality as they have no confidence in what they feel or believe. Everything is what others say.
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Red Flag
They can never be WRONG.
Person may have some control issues. Or is very stubborn. Being with a person who can’t admit they are wrong can result in endless fighting.
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Red Flag
Always blaming OTHERS
Could mean this person never takes ownership of their issues and problems. Which makes it all the more unlikely they will ever solve these problems. This is probably tied in with the above, (Never being wrong.)
Also, this person may start blaming YOU for everything wrong in their life. This tells a lot about how a person handles adversity (like they would in a marriage)
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Red Flag
Unstable career.
(Always getting fired or quitting) There are potential issues with someone who is always moving from job to job. (in a negative sense)
1) They may fall under the “perpetually unhappy” category, and are seeking to fix this by finding new jobs.
2) They may have been changing jobs because they are always having interpersonal conflicts with coworkers. This person may fall into the “slash and burn” category of personal relationships.
3) Always blaming OTHERS with regard to job problems may also be a red flag.
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Red Flag
Looks down on household chores (cooking, cleaning, grocery, laundry)
Doing these things is part of being a responsible self-sufficient adult. This is not a gender issue, as many try to make it. With people getting married later in life, and living on their own, all adults should be capable of doing these chores. It is part of maintaining good hygiene and good health.
Also, this “snobbery” can become a burden to compensate for. Either you will have to do it all yourself (time), or hire others to do it (money).
Beware of the person who wants to reap all the BENEFITS of equality and partnership, but wants no part of the RESPONSIBILITIES of equality and partnership.
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Red Flag
Is on excessive medications.
This obviously indicates poor health. Poor health at a young age will only escalate to poorer health later in life. This can become a massive drain on your entire life. This poor health could also be passed onto your children.
A partner with poor health will not be able to handle their fair share of marital responsibilities, and this will have to be compensated for by YOU.
An overly medicated person could also suffer from mental health issues. (either imagined or real…which is worse?) (eg: Histrionic or narcissistic disorders)
Taking excessive medications can also indicate a mindset of seeking “quick fixes” and “shortcuts” in life.
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Red Flag
Affluent parents and upbringing
Disclaimer: There are many responsible children of affluent parents.
And it is quite normal for a person to desire to live in the same manner they were brought up.
On the other hand, some of these kids may be very spoiled. They may not have had to earn the money (or enough) to maintain their lifestyle. (Ironically, this relates to “poor finances” red flag)
This is only a potential red flag in the sense that this may be the lifestyle YOU are expected to provide and partake of. Another question to ask is whether this person capabl of providing for this lifestyle themselves? (Or is it going to be YOUR burden to bear?)
Many people may not agree that this is a red flag, but, in fact, a highly desirable positive.
(Feeling they can increase their OWN lifestyle by marrying into rich in-laws.) One can only question the self-esteem and self-respect of someone who would resort to this financial plan. Also, I can only remind you that “There is no such thing as a free lunch.” Everything comes with a price.
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Red Flag
Tries to change you.
Your partner should not be trying to change you (and vice versa). This means that one person is not meeting the expectations or needs of the other.
Rather than try to change someone, focus your energies in finding someone who is already meets your needs or expectations
Compromises and adjustments are part of any healthy relationship, but perhaps not major alterations to personality or habits or lifestyle or general preferences.
Try to follow the rule of “What you see is what you get”. DO NOT lie (or even exaggerate) about who you are, or what your goals and expectations are. This will save everyone a lot of grief over the longrun.
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Red Flag
Is unable to communicate, problem solve, or compromise.
e.g.: Resorts to “silent treatment” or “guilt trips”
This person may also not be able to function unless they get their way. (Rigid, stubborn)
You will not be able to resolve issues or compromise with someone who can not (or is unwilling) to communicate their concerns.
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Red Flag
Possessive / Jealous / Controlling
These tendencies clearly indicate deep issues. A relationship with a person like this will eventually be suffocated. You will not be able to preserve your individuality with a partner like this. These people also tend to become abusive, as another way to exert their control upon you.
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Red Flag
Overly Religious Brainwashed. (See can’t think for themselves)
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MISC. RED FLAGS
(suggested by the readers.)
Excessive drinking
Obsession with dressing sexily to attract attention.
Smoking cigarettes
Selective public eating – does she finish her meal? go to the rest room immediately
Is a man/woman basher
Says negative things about their partner to others.
Uses/withholds sex as a bargaining tool or weapon
“Do her mother and father have a healthy relationship?”
“Can I wake up and look at her mother’s/father’s face in 20 years?”
Look at her mother and her mother-father relationship. That is who you will be married to and what you life will be like in the future.
Obsessive attachment to family
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